Dear Upstair Neighbors,

Hi, I know we haven't talked yet, but I've lived under your for about 2 months now. Normally everything is fine and I only occasionally here you walking about for your nightly trips to the restroom. We all have to pee- I get it.

However, recently you have been, I can only imagine, practicing your sumo wrestling moves. The loud thumps that resonate from my ceiling tend to make my walls rattle. My cats are afraid.

Is that a bass note I hear as well? Turn the treble up and save your ears! Seriously people, I know that at times loud parties find there way to the streets. Maybe you decided to bring it to your apartment. Since I did not receive an invite I would assume this is for morbidly obese people only.

It's midnight. I'm giving you until 12:30 to change your wrestling ways or... well, I'm not sure yet. But I'm going to hate you more and more for sure. Please feel free to go on your balcony- it's nice outside tonight! Granted my vindictive side might come out and I'll call a noise complaint to the local police (the feds are busy).

Thanks and have a good night!

Because I Told Him I Would...

This past Saturday my dear friend Krystle had a freaking huge charity auction.
It was black tie, and I needed something to wear.

Naturally I waited until the last minute to see if I could fit into my dress. But before I tried I also realized that I didn't have shoes, jewelery or the proper undergarments to force me into the dress if needed. So the day before (that would be Friday for those of you unable to count backwards) I had to work.

So, I bought the following on trial basis: 2 pairs of shoes, 3 pairs of earrings and 2 pieces of undergarments.

I didn't fit into the dress.
My hair wasn't up to par.
My life was in shambles.

Thankfully I recovered last minute and found another dress I owned, in which I already owned shoes, earrings and undergarments.

I looked ravishing.

I went to the event. Bid on a few things only to be promptly outbid. I had a great time. Krystle is worth millions and everyone should want her to organize their charity auction.

Krystle, her boy Chris and myself all went out afterwards in celebration of an event done well, and I stayed the night at her fabulous townhouse.

I come home the next day around noon, disheveled and sleepy only to see my front door wide open. Wide.

Barely get the car parked and run to the house. I see cat #1 (Igby- please reference the previous post... he's a mighty bird hunter) run into the house. I know he's safe. But I also know that cat #2 loves to run outside and I'm sure she's gone.

I quickly see that my TV is there. That's a good sign right? So I check of thief. I run back out the door and start my frantic search for my little cat who is terrified of birds and loves plastic balls.

I call mom. Make her frantic. I check the garbage area. I'm calling for a cat. I walk back to my house and mom decides to come help me in my search.
As soon as I open the door, Zeda comes waltzing down the stairs.

I was almost mad that she made me frantic like that. And when I was so sleepy. I almost blame her for opening the door.
That night I fed the cats some yummy canned cat food for not running away and guarding the house.

Igby threw up and I just got the smell out.

The Girl. The Cat. The Bed. The Night. (A Short Story)

There once was a girl (some say she had awesome hair and a keen fashion sense) who had a nice queen sized bed (rumor had it that a lovely blue silk duvet was draped across the satin sheets).

She had two cats. One was aloof (we shall call him Cat #1) and often slept in a red cube bought just for him. One was extra needy (we shall call her Cat #2) and thus the problem arose.

The girl often read for a bit before bed. Sometimes it was funny excerpts from Dave Barry and sometimes it was a serious literature book to enhance her mind... the girl is getting ahead of herself.

Cat #2 liked this time. She liked it because she could play a game called "place body between book and girl's eyes." This was a game she took seriously and often found she would have to lay on the book and push the girl away repeatedly with her tiny little paws just to win the game.

Cat #1 looked up occasionally from his spot.

Finally the girl would decide to turn the lights off, soften the music and lay her head against the pink satin pillow. Cat #2 would then decide to pounce upon Cat #1 and then run down the stairs so he couldn't figure out who/what bite his ear whilest flying from the bed.

Cat #1 would retaliate. He was larger, about two times in body mass. He could make her squeal an annoying shriek before she would hiss and then run around.

Did we mention that girl has a townhouse with no dividing walls? Thus there is no place to escape any sound made in the townhouse.

Cat #2 would find her favorite toy. The ball with the bell inside! What fun! Bring a ling a ling. Trot trot trot. bring a ling a ling. Trot trot trot. (you get the idea)

Finally girl falls asleep only to wake up a few hours later because her breathing has halted. Cat #2 is laying on her face. So girl moves Cat #2 and rolls to the other side. Cat #2 follows- annoyed by being bothered.

Plop on the face. Move. Roll. Repeat.

Finally cat and girl are annoyed. Cat #2 acquiesces to laying 2 inches from girls face. This is still too close for girl. Girl discretely edges her face back 3 more inches. Cat #2 is not one to be fooled. She throws out her paw to touch girl's face.

Round 1 to Cat #2.

Girl will win. One night, Girl will win.

The One Where Kali Has An Important Question

Alright, before I tell everyone here about my new car (well new to me), or my new cat (which is new to me and basically the world), or my new apartment (which is definitely not new, but I love it anyways), I must ask an important question.

If you were a superhero, what would you do?

I have to write an essay in French on this and I have no earthly idea what I should be. So I want to hear your superhero wants. What would your costume be like? Would you wear a cape? I'm thinking not after watching The Incredible. And most important- what would your tragic flaw be? Every superhero must have one.

So, let me hear it.

Edna: It will be bold! Dramatic!
Bob: Yeah!
Edna: Heroic!
Bob: Yeah. Something classic, like, like Dynaguy. Oh, he had a great look! Oh, the cape and the boots...
Edna: [throws a wadded ball of paper at Bob's head] No capes!
Bob: Isn't that my decision?
Edna: Do you remember Thunderhead? Tall, storm powers? Nice man, good with kids.
Bob: Listen, E...
Edna: November 15th of '58! All was well, another day saved, when... his cape snagged on a missile fin!
Bob: Thunderhead was not the brightest bulb...
Edna: Stratogale! April 23rd, '57! Cape caught in a jet turbine!
Bob: E, you can't generalize about these things...
Edna: Metaman, express elevator! Dynaguy, snagged on takeoff! Splashdown, sucked into a vortex! [shouts]
Edna: No capes!